Divine Discomfort

Towards a better version of ourselves.

Image by Manuel Alvarez from Pixabay

Let me begin this newsletter with a controversial claim made by John Tierney at City Journal. The piece is titled, “The Misogyny Myth: Women aren’t discriminated against in twenty-first-century America—but men increasingly are.”  I’m beginning with controversy for a reason—more of that below.

I don’t want to argue the point, but I feel I must put my cards on the table to be transparent. I happen to agree with the argument, having read a lot along this line the last few months.  There is a lot of evidence that men are falling behind in education, in the workforce, and in psychological health, and that in many sectors they are discriminated against.  They are also subject to both subtle and overt misandry—hatred of men. Still, while I agree with the author’s argument, I don’t care for his aggressive tone. He could have made the same points without constantly jabbing his finger in the chest of those who disagree.

And disagreements there will be! As I said, I’m not here to argue the point but to examine something else that occurs when we read a challenging piece like this: our emotional reaction.  

We can note the author’s evident anger at a society that, in his view, has been turning a blind eye to this phenomenon. And there is the fist pumping of men like me who like to see this brought to light, finally!  And there is the reaction of feminists, who find this line of thought simply deplorable and more evidence of misogyny.

In one regard, there is nothing new under the sun. The so-called battle of the sexes goes back to the garden, with Adam blaming Eve for his fall.  We see an early literary example in Aristophanes’ comedy, Lysistrata, in which the women of various cities, like Sparta and Thebes, withhold sex from the men in order to bring a war to a close--it’s a wonderful example of power conflicts between the sexes.  We see this dynamic often played out in Shakespeare’s plays. So for centuries the theme has regularly raised the temperature of discussions, which has led each side to hurl accusations of injustice at the other.  That’s because there is a lot at stake when it comes to relationships between men and women, and one of the most important factors is how we understand our own identity and worth as male and female.

Because the stakes are so high, we have a hard time acknowledging what the other side is saying. Mr. Tierney, for example, is so adamant to prove misogyny is a myth that he fails to recognize that a great deal of misogyny still exists in our society. Men traffic young women. Men physically abuse their wives/partners way more than vice versa. Pornography is rampant with images of women pictured, at best, as mere playthings for men, and at worst, as subject to the cruelest forms of sexual behavior by men.  And many in the rising “manosphere” have no interest in women other than figuring how to manipulate them for sex.

Why does Tierney ignore this?  I suspect he fears, like all of us, that if he even opens the door a crack to the opposing view, those demons on the other side will come rushing in and overwhelm his argument.

The advances due to feminism have indeed liberated women in many ways (opening up education, sports, the job market, and so forth). For these women, they have been a godsend. All these advances have been made in light of an oppressive male hierarchy that had to be dismantled. It is understandable that these women would balk at any evidence that suggests that the patriarchy simply doesn’t exist anymore. There is the fear that if they admit as much, they will lose dearly gained ground as women in our society, from which they’ve gained so much self-esteem.

It works the same in the other direction. As a man, I’ve welcomed a great deal of feminist advances. But I’ll be honest: when I see an amorphous feminist ideology that has captured the imagination of politics, entertainment, education and so forth, resulting, I believe, in a definite decline for men—well, it makes me fear for the future of my sons and grandsons. There is something irreducible and essential to being a man that, it seems to me, society is trying to undermine or squelch in subtle and overt ways.

There are many dimensions to the current battle of the sexes, but it’s an emotionally charged issue as well because our very identities as male and female are up for grabs by whoever wins this war.

One can see this same phenomenon when we engage in arguments about climate change, immigration policy, LGBTQ+, abortion, and so forth.  Somewhere in these issues we often find our sense of identity, and therefore a sense of self-worth. We support a more generous immigration policy because we think of ourselves as compassionate, or we are suspicious of top-down bureaucratic and statist solutions for climate change because we so value freedoms that help us define who we are.  If we admit to any truth in the other side’s argument, we may wonder if we’re becoming less compassionate or abandoning some freedom essential to our identity. And so on.

Yes, there are real issues with real world consequences that lie outside ourselves, which we are called to address by advocating public policies that are just. But here I’m suggesting that in give and take, we are wise to be aware that there are often (maybe always!) that underneath the policy discussions there may be personal issues, very personal, for both us and our opponents.

Speaking of the very personal: One of the Spirit’s jobs is to make us uncomfortable with the distorted self we are pretty happy with.  It’s classically called the conviction of sin—some flaw in us that the Spirit not only makes us aware of, but gently twists the knife to make us increasingly uncomfortable about it.  Today, we’re tempted to label this as a “neurosis” or a self-imposed “guilt-trip,” “poor self-esteem,” or the vestiges of “fundamentalism.” Yes, sometimes, our consciences are haunted by anything but the Spirit. So it takes some prayer and conversation with friends or one’s pastor to discern what is going on. 

When it’s a genuine divine disturbance, we should pay attention, for this discomfort is a great gift, if we allow it to do its work.  It will likely result in an uncomfortable change in how we see ourselves: It might mean a move from “I just lose it once in awhile” to “I am an angry person”; from “I can stop anytime” to “I’m addicted to my phone”; from “I just drink occasionally” to “I’m an alcoholic”; from “I’m a pretty good spouse” to “I’m awfully selfish in this marriage.”

A similar fear dynamic is at work when we are confronted with social and political ideas that threaten us. If uncomfortable self-awareness can be seen as a gift, even more so is the knowledge that even our smugness and self-righteousness will not thwart divine favor. In fact, it is Unconditional Love that is prodding us to put away fear and become more honest and better versions of ourselves. 

“Fear not, only believe” is how our Lord put it.  Of course, easier said than done….

Grace and peace,

Mark

P.S. Next week, for paid subscribers only I’ll begin introducing the book I recently mentioned, The Grace of Nothingness, which I believe has a lot to offer Christians of any stripe.